Rocket Schmocket
by Steed
Summary: The Heroes have to sabotage a rocket the Germans are making but Carter's the only one who can do it


Rocket Schmocket  
by Steed  
  
Author's notes: First of all, sorry about the title, but I couldn't resist. It was just so catchy. Then also, this is my first Hogan's Heroes fanfic, so please excuse any bad spelling and anything I get wrong about the characters. That's pretty much it. Enjoy!  
  
*********  
  
"Message from London, Colonel," Kinch said, coming up from the tunnels.  
"What's the message?" asked their CO.  
"The Underground wants us to give them the blueprints to some new rocket the Germans are building. They say that it is more chemically based then any other rockets the Germans have made and could be very dangerous."  
"Oh, is that all?" LeBeau asked sarcastically.  
"No, actually. They also want us to sabotage the rocket program and prevent the Germans from developing them any further."  
"Oh, man! This one's gonna be impossible!" Carter cried.  
"Yeah, guv'nor. It'd be a suicide mission!" Newkirk said in reply.  
"Colonel, what are we going to do?" asked Kinch, turning their attention to their commander.  
"I don't know yet Kinch, I'll need some time to think up a plan. When do they  
need us to be done?"  
"They want it done in four days at the latest. I have the coordinates and a description of what the plant looks like in the message."  
"Okay. We may as well go ahead and go to sleep. It's lights out time and we can't do anything more for now."  
  
*********  
  
"Roll call! Everybody up! Roll call!" yelled the fat guard, Schultz.  
"Aw, c'mon Schultzie! Can't you let a man sleep a little bit?!" exclaimed Newkirk.  
"Yeah! The war will still be goin' on if we wait 'til ten!" jumped in Carter.  
"No! You must come now, the kommandant is in a bad mood today!"  
"Why? What's going on Schultz?" Colonel Hogan inquired.  
"There is a woman here! She has been going through the prisoner's files. She says she is going to take one of you."  
"Why? What's she looking for?" When Schultz responded with silence, Hogan sighed. In a swift motion, he pulled a candy bar out of a pocket in his bomber's jacket and held it under Schultz's nose. Eyeing it hungrily, Schultz spilled the beans.  
"She is looking for a chemical expert to help the glorious efforts of the Third Reicht. She is a very mean lady, so please Colonel Hogan! Hurry and get out for roll call! And no funny business!"  
With that, all the prisoners tramped sleepily out into the cold and got into formation. As Schultz took roll, Carter turned to Hogan with a worried frown on his face.  
"Colonel?"  
"Yeah, what is it Carter?"  
"I was just thinking. My files show that I qualify as a chemical expert. You don't think she'd take me do ya?"  
"I don't know Carter. We'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it," Hogan said as the kommandant came out for the report from Schultz. There was indeed a woman with Klink, and she was very beautiful. When the prisoners noticed her, they whistled and cat-called (especially Newkirk). But Hogan had other things on his mind.  
"They wouldn't take Carter, would they?" he thought. "Even if they do, I'm sure we'd be able to get him out of it," he assured himself. "We've been in worse jams before. Besides, they might not even take Carter."  
"Schultz! REPORT!" Klink demanded.  
"All present and accounted for, herr kommandant!"  
"Good," then, addressing the prisoners, "I would like to introduce Frau Hoffstead to you. She will be taking a prisoner with her to help with the war effort. Also, it has come to my attention that some prisoners have been stealing bread from the kitchens. This will stop immediately, or else!"  
"We can't help it kommandant!" Hogan interjected, stepping forward. "Sawdust is addictive!" All the prisoners burst out laughing at this statement, and someone yelled amongst the cheers, "It cleans our teeth!"  
Stepping forward, the woman whistled loudly, immediately catching the attention of the prisoners. "We have decided to take only one prisoner. His files show that he will be adequate to serve the Third Reicht. His name is Sergeant Andrew Carter."  
At this statement, Carter looked crestfallen, and the other men appeared surprised.  
"Sir, could Carter be allowed to stay at camp. Or at least sleep here?" Hogan asked. Looking at Frau Hoffstead for permission, he said that Carter could.  
"First, however, we will need to speak to him. Klink, I trust that we will be able to use your office for a private conference?" Frau Hoffstead said in a manner that told Klink if he were to refuse, then heads would roll.  
"Of course, Frau Hoffstead. Feel free to use any of the facilities this camp can offer. As a matter of fact, you can stay in my quarters while you're here!" Klink offered, ever ready to please anyone if it got him a chance for a promotion.  
"That will not be necessary. We will go to Hamilburg to work, there is a lab there. Come Sergeant!" Carter looked to Hogan, who nodded his approval. Sighing, Carter trudged off to Klink's office.  
"C'mon, guys. Lets listen to what the lovely Frau has to say," Hogan said.  
  
*********  
  
"Sergeant Carter, you have been lucky enough to be chosen to help the Third Reicht. We could use your knowledge in the area of chemistry greatly. However, first we must know if you will help us. We cannot force you. Do not talk, just listen. Then we will give you time to think about the choices."  
"If you were to come and help us, then you would be allowed to stay in the hotel at Hamilburg and would be able to walk around the area with only one guard on you. You would live like a king, and all you'd have to do is help us with some research. You may stay in Klink's quarters and contemplate your decision."  
With that, Carter was led away to Klink's quarters. Meanwhile, the rest of the men had been listening in.  
"Sir, London says that this place Carter is going to work at is the place where the rockets are," Kinch said.  
"No kidding? Hmmm." Hogan said. He began pacing, a plan formulating in his brain.  
"Alright, I have a plan, but we have to get to Carter. We'll take the tunnel that goes under the stove in Klink's quarters."  
  
*********  
  
"Do you get it Carter?" Hogan asked after going over the plan with the somewhat forgetful chemist.  
"Yeah, I think so. I'm to accept the offer from Frau Hoffstead. Then I take pictures of the blueprints, and before the last testing day for the rockets, I create a chemical imbalance in the systems, causing the rockets to prematurely explode. Got it!"  
"Good, now what all will you need?"   
"Let's see, besides a camera you mean? Well, not much really. I should be able to find everything I need in the lab."  
"Alright, good luck Andrew," Newkirk said.  
The next day, after Carter had consented to helping the "glorious Third Reicht," he left Stalag 13 in Frau Hoffstead's staff car for the lab in Hamilburg. Upon arrival, Carter was given a white scientist's coat and goggles. Then he was given a tour.  
"So you see, this is where the noses of the rockets are made," drawled the very boring sounding German scientist. Carter was trying to pay attention, but he kept yawning. When they finally got to the room where the chemicals were, Carter was half asleep. A loud explosion quickly snapped him awake however.  
"Wha-What was that?" he asked, startled out of his mind.  
"What? Oh, that! We were just testing the compatibility of certain chemicals with other certain chemicals. Nothing to worry about."  
By the time Carter was finally left alone to "work," he had no clue where the blue prints were.   
"Well, I guess I should go look for them," Carter thought, slightly apprehensive. Since he couldn't read German, he figured he was probably up the creek without a paddle. As he was walking aimlessly around, now not only blueprint-less, but lost too, he failed to notice the Gestapo agent come up behind him.  
"Can I help you?" the Gestapo man asked sharply.  
"Uhh, yeah!" Carter said, thinking fast. "I was looking for the bathroom. boy, you guys sure have a big building here!" he exclaimed, grimacing on the inside. "I always say the wrong thing!" he thought.  
The Gestapo agent, glaring at him suspiciously, asked, "Do you have any identification?"  
"What? Oh yeah!" he reached into the pocket of his coat and gave it to the man.  
"This appears in order. However, you are far away from where this says you should be."  
"Yeah, like I said, big building. Can't find my way back," Carter shrugged sheepishly.  
"I will take you. Follow me." Soon they had reached the office of the place where Carter was supposed to be. "There doesn't appear to be anyone here. I'll go get someone." With that, the Gestapo agent left Carter alone in the room.  
"Well, at least he's gone," Carter said aloud. All of a sudden something on the desk caught his eye. "What luck!" he exclaimed. "The blueprints!" Grinning at his luck, Carter pulled out the miniature camera Newkirk had given him and began taking photographs.  
Just when he had finished, Frau Hoffstead walked in with the Gestapo man who was with him earlier. "Sgt. Carter! What are you doing here?! No matter, I will take you back to you're station. Thank you for bringing him here," she said to the Gestapo agent, who nodded in turn and left.  
After Carter had finally made it back to his proper position, he found the chemicals that would be put in the rocket.  
"No, no, those won't do at all!" he thought. "I'll just add some of my special mix." With an evil grin that only Carter could be capable of, he poured in a blue liquid to the chemicals already present. The concoction foamed up a little bit but then settled back down and returned to its normal look.  
  
*********   
  
The day of the testing...  
"Countdown at 5...4...3...2...1..." The rocket blasted off from the pad and headed straight towards a shack that had been marked in the distance. However, thanks to Carter's special mix, the rocket suddenly stopped in midair.  
Then it promptly went straight up, to the left, cut back to the right and every other which way. It ended in exploding right over the lab, which quickly caught on fire. Luckily no one was in the building because all unessential personnel had been sent home and everyone else was in an underground safehouse watching from afar.   
After the explosion, all eyes turned to Carter. After all, he was the one in charge of when the rocket exploded.  
Grinning sheepishly, with a glint in his eye, he said, "Whoopsie!"  
  
*********  
  
"Man I would have loved to see the look on those Kraut's faces when they saw their rocket mess up and light everything on fire," Newkirk said thoughtfully. "Did the fire spread, Carter?"  
"Oh boy, did it? With all those chemicals in there, the whole place was lit up like the fourth of July!"  
"Good work Carter," Hogan said. "Thanks to you, the rocket project was canceled."  
"Thank you sir. I just have one question."  
"What would that be?"  
"Can I do it again?"  
  
  
  
The End!!! :P 


End file.
